Be Patient with me... I'm Growing through something.

Proverbs 4:7 "Wisdom is the principal thing;Therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding".

The Journey Continues...

Wisdom and Understanding are priceless  principles...I am in constant motion toward the immeasurable depth of them both.

Today, I am reflecting on journals from the past. I see that the journeys have always led in the same direction. I look back for answers to questions and they are there. Today, I am going to dig deep into journals from my past and perhaps sharing will bury the feelings.That is my EXPECTATION... This is my bridge and I'm going to cross over it. Perhaps, its to inspire those who may read this to dig to the immeasurable depth of whatever it is that you have allowed to make you stop right at the junction point of your destiny! What hurt you so bad that at times you feel that your not worthy? OK, well maybe its just me....BE PATIENT WITH ME I'M GROWING THROUGH SOMETHING.

Pregnant at 15, I had my first child at 16 and I was NOT ready. I thought that I was ready, I mean on the outside I was ready. I appeared to be ready, I had the support of the father and I was sure that my plans for life were still going to flourish. I was going to go to college, I was still going to law school, I knew exactly what I was going to do. The only difference was that I was having a baby. Right? I was just EXPECTING...

*Journals from a 15 y/o pregnant girl....

EXPECTING...

What are you looking at?
Yes, I am... can't you see Of course I see you looking at me!
EXPECTING...
That I am ashamed,
Surely, my parents are to blame.
Because, I am only 15 and...
EXPECTING...
That my life will never be the same
Cause I done ran off and played the "Grown Up" game.
Instead of skating on Saturday nights.
I'm making up baby names, because I'm...
EXPECTING...
Now,
Attitude change, Damn... nothings the same!
Every other sentence was "I Love You",
Now... you act like you don't know my name!...
I suppose its cause...
I'm
EXPECTING...
A "boy" to do what a "man" often will not.
Why didn't I remember,
"I am the Master of my fate, and the captain of my soul"
Why did I loose all my control?
How did I get to the place where  I started
EXPECTING ...
That someone would complete me and...
When did I become not enough for me and...
Looking in the mirror but I cant recognize me, because I'm...
Expecting
All alone singing to my baby and...
EXPECTING
That he will Love me Unconditionally
EXPECTING
That, despite ALL the odds being against me
I shall emerge victoriously
EXPECTING
Frustration
Praying to God for Wisdom, to turn it into Motivation
EXPECTING
Not to always be shame
That I came played hard and lost the grown up game
Praying hard now asking God to keep my heart for it needs Protecting
He calms me with these words my child keep on
EXPECTING
That out of this life great things I will bring
And even when the middle the day is the darkest, or so it seems
Keep on
EXPECTING
Great Things

 Today, I add that...
At this time in my life those whom I EXPECTED to help me left. My Mom turned her back on me or so it seemed. EXPECTING fairy tale dreams and a thinking it would be easy faded quickly,  I know now that it was heartbreaking for my mother to see her 15 y/o EXPECTING. I know now that she must have felt that the life she poured into me may be lost, because I was not ready but I was EXPECTING. I now know that she could not bare what I was EXPECTING. I know that even though her faith kept her EXPECTING greatness in my life, she could not carry this for me. Letting go was the ONLY way she could keep on EXPECTING. I know that her prayers carried me when physical, and emotional support could not. I know now that she wrestled with the idea of just keeping me close, but I broke her heart changing the dreams of how my life would go and ALL that she was EXPECTING. I know now that "Tough Love"was the only way she knew to make me strong enough for the journey ahead. I know now that her faith in God was the only way for her to deal with this and she too was EXPECTING. I know that the devil was EXPECTING that without support I would be broken. I know now that I was bitter over the loss of control in my life, and at 16 years old, I was a mother. I was EXPECTING a 16 y/o boy to settle down and be all that I was EXPECTING. I know now that he was just a boy at the time and this was NOT what he was EXPECTING. I know now that he could only deal with the financial part of EXPECTING. I know now he too was terrified being 16 and EXPECTING. I know now that it was meant to end just as it did, and even though it was not what I was EXPECTING. I was made stronger and that is the PRICELESS lesson that I wasn't EXPECTING 


I challenge you to deal with whatever it is that life has given you that didn't go as you were EXPECTING. I challenge you to reflect and think deeper into a past EXPECTATION,  and Journal it. First, from the voice that you would have when you were in that moment. Then journal it from the perspective of having the hindsight to see that you gained a priceless lesson that you were NOT EXPECTING. If you can not see the lesson, ask God and I PROMISE you he will show you.



Dear Heavenly Father,
I EXPECT that you are are allowing me to see things as you see them. I believe that you have given me the Wisdom to continue to Journey with an EXPECTATION of greatness. Thank You for continuing to love me despite of me. Thank you Lord for preparing me and EXPECTING me to do all that you have called me to do. In Jesus name Amen